Broken Heart

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Hello Friends:

I really wish this post didn’t have to happen. But it does.

Before I begin, I want to say, I’m really not wanting at this point, to talk about any part of this in person/on the phone/by email. This is really a “let-you-know-whats-going-on-post” and not a Q&A. (So what you see here is what you get)

Alright that’s done.

We are having some family issues right now, of the legal kind. It boils down to Jared and I are not able to communicate until the 19th of this month, there is a No Contact Order in place, which I assume expires on the 19th, but I’m not sure because it’s in his name and I can’t ask him about it because I can’t talk to him. After the NCO is done, we’ll have to take care of some more stuff. I haven’t even begun to process that, so I can’t even really talk about it. (I pray and hope and believe that everything will work out, at some point, and have not even considered the fact that we would split up, so there’s no need for anyone to jump to that conclusion.)

The very hardest thing for me at this point is that I can’t see him and I can’t talk to him. I understand the reasons behind the NCO, but it’s really hard, and he is the one person who is always there to help in really hard times. But he’s not.

I’m grateful he is still able to see the kids and spend time with them. But this is my very first time as a solo parent. And. It. Sucks. It is very hard to watch the kids go off to spend time with him and know that I can’t go.

Family life at home has, for various reasons, has been declining for the past few months. Most of the time I was able to just let things go, but Thursday we had reached the point where something else needed to happen. To say it’s been a painful time would be an understatement. I can’t even begin to describe how much my heart is hurting right now. It’s almost quite literally been torn in two (if you take the example of husband and wife being one body, it therefore stands that if you removed them from each other, it would be as if it were one body in two places – which I don’t know how that sounds to you, but to me it sounds painful).

There are what? Five stages of grief? I think I experience them on about a two-hour rotation. That roller coaster is H-U-G-E! (and not much I might add).

I really feel the need to share this because the blog is a place I’ve been using to sort through feelings and daily life and all that. And trying to share what I would normally share without sharing that there are these issues present, wouldn’t really work well I don’t think. (BTW I do keep hoping to get back to more “normal” postings, but I need this info to be in the back ground.)

All this being said, I’ve told the people I feel I need to tell about what’s going on in more detail. If I didn’t happen to you, I’m not intentionally excluding you, I just don’t feel that plastering details all over the web is helpful for any of us at this point.

I’ll restate: I’m not looking for phone calls or emails that are asking for details. I’m not giving them out, so please don’t ask. Also, I’m guessing (seeing as how I can’t talk to him) that Jared isn’t looking for phone calls, emails or FB messages, either, so out of respect for him, I’m asking that you don’t ask.

Maybe one day, we’ll be able to talk about this, but today isn’t that day.

I would really, really appreciate your prayers. This has been an extremely rough two days and there are still at minimum thirteen days remaining. My brother graciously offered to stay with me and the kids, so I do have at least an overnight/early morning support if I need a minute to go have a good cry. Also, don’t forget to keep the kids in your prayers. Katherine and John, while they don’t understand maybe (I’ve given them the details I think they need), they’re doing ok with everything so far. Karl seems to be having the hardest time. He doesn’t have a clue, but I also can’t explain anything to him that he’ll understand. He’s been pretty much crying since yesterday.

I love him so much, I haven’t fully realized how much, until these last few days.

Thank you all so much for understanding and being with us in prayer.

~Ruth Anne

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