Silent Struggles

This is something I’ve been thinking about, well, since, probably two Memorial Days ago (as in May of 2012). I only know it was then because that was the last time Jared and I went on a mini-mini-mini-“vacation” by ourselves.

Jared and I have been hoping and trying to add to our family since that little vacation. We haven’t been “trying, trying”, but we didn’t really “try” with the other kids. Almost felt like we thought it, and nine months later another one was here. Really, it was that easy.

After Karl was born, I knew I needed a break from being pregnant. At the time we weren’t in the church (any church), and I was uninformed about chemical birth control, and decided I was going on it No. Matter. What. Jared completely disagreed with my decision, and that led to many arguments between us. While we were on that vacation, he tossed the pills. I was already leaning towards getting off them because of the tension it was causing us. That and my periods were totally wacked out and completely not fun (we’re talking almost every two weeks here lasting nearly a week at a time…..)

Since joining the Church, I’ve learned so much more about NFP and also “Why” the Church doesn’t allow for artificial contraception. Both of them make so much sense to me that I would never consider artificial contraception an option.

But that’s not where I was going with this post. So here we are. Obviously since as far as I know I’m not pregnant and there haven’t been additional children running around here, we are still trying. And waiting. And hoping. And more recently praying. Pretty much in that order. I’ve come to realization in the last few months, that the list should be in the exact reverse order, so it’s been worked on.

However it’s still been a struggle. For me especially, I don’t pretend to know Jared’s inner thoughts on the matter. I know he would welcome another child, and he wants another child, but he hasn’t spoken of a huge longing or desire, and he doesn’t appear to get frustrated every month when it doesn’t happen.

I don’t know how to explain the desire and longing for another child in a way that doesn’t sound completely selfish. It almost feels that I’m not allowed to desire another child because I *already* have three. People causally mention/ask “you’re done, right?” And if I answer anything but “yes” (which I don’t by the way), I get a look of total incomprehension. It’s almost like I get “how could you want another child, you have three” (I’ve never actually had anyone rude enough to say that, but that’s what the look implies). It makes me not want to answer those people. I tense up before I walk in the bank, because there’s that one lady who always asks “anymore?” Or “all done?”

I can’t begin to describe the frustration that happens every month. I’m sure couples struggling with infertility would have a better idea what I’m getting at. I’ve been doing a little bit of charting, and a we plan our deeds accordingly, and month after month, there’s nothing.

Well, actually that’s not entirely true. There were two times, one at the end of June, and more recently at the end of November, where I’m pretty sure I had a chemical pregnancy. Based on several factors, basically knowing how my body works and faint home pregnancy tests, I think that it happened both those times. {Chemical pregnancies, from my very unscientific research, are very early miscarriages usually happening before six weeks. They are actual pregnancies, as in there is a fertilized egg, but for whatever reason it doesn’t progress.}
But again, based on the fact that they were both so super early, I don’t even feel like in the “I had a miscarriage” camp.

Add to all those, the fact that social media allows immediate contact with people you wouldn’t normally necessarily be in contact with, I’ve found out that I think, four women I know are expecting. Add that to the other half dozen that I already knew were pregnant, it feels like a constant struggle to be happy and upbeat about the “we’ll just try again next month” comment.

I don’t really have any great insights for all this. I really felt that it was time to share and ask for your prayers in this ongoing situation.

I do know at this point that we’ve been given a “red light” for seeking any sort of “treatment”. I very much feel that God is firmly saying “No! You have to trust me” so that’s what I’m working towards. I also know that God’s timing isn’t ours, and I know that in His wisdom and perfect plan we didn’t conceive in the last year and a half. Looking back I can see, now, that that was a good thing, even while frustrating.

I also know that my husband is a great support, and while he may get frustrated too, he always has been able to calm me down, get through to me and comfort me. In this matter, everything that he has said, has been said at exactly the right time and in the right way. And for that I am so very thankful.

I would, again, just ask for your prayers. The only thing I do ask is that you please not post comments such as “you’re young it’ll happen” / “wait until next month” / “you’ve already got three…” I know people don’t intend those to be rude, but for me, right now, they’re hurtful.

One final thought, I’ve found a lot of wisdom and comfort from Mandi and Molly. They’ve been a blessing.

{to all those newly pregnant, or just announced pregnancies, or even those I already knew about: I am so extremely happy and excited for you girls. I know what a blessing children are. Even if they aren’t born to me, they are still a blessing.}

One final P.S. If this is really long, I’m sorry, I’m writing on my phone, and I have no way to judge the length. Thank you for reading all the way to the end!

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