Making sense of hurts: PEACE

landscape 2

Back in the middle of November, I was waiting, once again, to see if that would be “our month” for another baby. (It turned out to be one of the times where I got a faint positive on a test and a few days later it was gone.) That Sunday, I was kneeling down after receiving the Eucharist, I had pulled my veil over my face and I was trying very hard to pray. I pictured myself kneeling beside Jesus at the foot of the cross, I was crying, yelling, pounding my fists into Him, screaming “why?” as I was bleeding… He put his arms around me, still bleeding from being crucified. I was still saying “why? why me? why us? why can’t we have another baby? I didn’t want to be bleeding, I wanted to give life” He said “me too”.

Immediately I was quiet. I had an inkling, a shadow really of a feeling of what it must be like for Jesus feel when he “looses” one of his children.

I share that story for a few reasons.

One being that, while I obviously feel very strongly about my little piece of real life, and it does hurt when it doesn’t go how I think it should, that really, really, my little piece of reality isn’t the whole picture, and there are other, important things that are happening. People returning to Jesus and the Church, for example, in the end is more important than whether or not I conceive a baby in any particular month.  That was one thing that was very strongly impressed on me as soon as He said “me too”.

The other being that, I’m currently preparing for a Consecration to Mary. {Our Parish is doing a “group” consecration, concluding on February 2. We’re reading 33 Days to Morning Glory by Michael E. Gaitley. I’d love to say with certainty that I’ll do a more in-depth post on this in the future, but at the moment I have no plans for it. So far it has been a very positive and beautiful experience. One that’s causing me to do a lot of internal meditation and processing, and I don’t feel that at this time I can really put that all out there. Not yet at least, I’ll be happy to take thoughtful questions though if you have them (email or comment, if you’d like).}

Ok, back to my train of thought… I’m doing the preparation, and one of the daily reflections I think it was last week, came from Bl Mother Teresa:

Suffering has to come because if you look at the cross, he has got his head bending down – he wants to kiss you – and he has both hands open wide – he wants to embrace you. He has his heart opened wide to receive you. Then when you feel miserable inside, look at the cross and you will know what is happening. Suffering, pain, sorrow, humiliation, feelings of loneliness, are nothing but the kiss of Jesus, a sign that you have come so close that he can kiss you… That suffering has to come that came in the life of Our Lady, that came in the life of Jesus – it has to come in our life also… Suffering is a gift from God. It is between you and Jesus alone inside.

A final thought, if I had not had the experience mentioned above, I don’t think I would have “got” the passage from the readings. At least not as well. What I take from all this is, if I am willing to go to Jesus, fully, then I have to be open to receiving his kiss. (This goes beyond the desire for another baby, there are definitely other areas of hurt in life that this gets applied to.)

I don’t know why his kisses can hurt so bad. I cannot pretend to understand. But I take comfort in the fact that if I am that close to Jesus that I am receiving that kiss, then I’m at least close enough for his to put his arms around me. And I don’t know about you, but if I can get to that place, it brings much peace (which I do still have to be open to receiving).

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3 thoughts on “Making sense of hurts: PEACE

  1. Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to your emotions as I have been praying and waiting to be blessed with a child. This really spoke to me today and was a welcome reminder to trust and just offer it up to God 🙂

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