There. I said it. I have not been super excited for this current pregnancy. I *thought* I would be excited, way back at the very, very, very beginning when I first found out we would be adding another baby, but then…. I don’t know. It seems to be taking longer than normal for the excitement to build up this time.
Maybe it’s because I had a teeny tiny bit of spotting that the doctors and nurses blew up into “worst case scenario” (an ectopic pregnancy)… which it turned out not to be thanks be to God. But those two times I spent at the ER, and the second time especially were so super stressful that I think it really put a damper on things.
It probably also didn’t help that I had friends who lost a baby at birth literally days before I found out I was pregnant.
I didn’t have a horrible time of my normal night-time “morning” sickness (it was there, but it wasn’t terrible). I did feel incredibly exhausted. Like, the go-to-bed-every-night-at-7:00PM kind of exhausted.
I know from past babies that it does take time to get used to the idea of another child. I know that was especially the case with Katherine. It took me all of those nine months to get used to the idea of a baby and I still don’t know how “ready” I was once she was born. Even with Zachary, I had people ask me if I was excited right after we found out, and I was like “Woah. Wait a minute. I just found out we’re having another baby. You gotta give me longer than a day to get used to that… THEN I’ll let you know if I’m excited”. But with him, it didn’t take weeks and weeks and weeks for that excitement to build.
I guess all this lack of excitement has me really not feeling connected to the baby just yet. Even with seeing baby move on the 8-week ultrasound scan (which I’ve never seen before)… And hearing the heart beat with the midwife saying “there’s a baby in there”… They were special moments, yes, but once they were gone so was the connection. Even the fact that all my regular clothes no longer fit hasn’t really made the fact sink in.
I have been feeling little tiny flutterings the last few weeks. Not many, but a few. And that has helped. I also happened to glance through some old photos on the instagram feed and seeing the newborn pictures of Zachary has helped too.
But… through all this, the few times I’ve gotten worked up and stressed out enough to pray about it I get an almost instant little reminder that this precious little soul has already been created by God. Already has a purpose. He (or she) is already loved by God…. even if his mama is taking a little while to catch up. 🙂 God’s big enough to hold him (and me) and love him (and me) and care for him until I find myself ready to take my part.
Linking up with Fine Linen and Purple for WIWS
P.S. If you’re paying attention and reading closely, I know on Friday I stated I was 16 weeks… but I recounted and realized I arbitrarily added a week… so I’m really somewhere like 15 and a half. Baby’s still due at the end-ish of March, right after Jared’s birthday 🙂
P.P.S. I don’t know if I’m having a boy… it just feels easier to refer to baby as a boy, since… you know that’s what we seem to be good at making 😉