On not being super excited for this current pregnancy {WIWS}

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WIWS: Comfy sweater that I now realize doesn’t exactly match the maternity “T” underneath. Beige pants that still fit! {And sandals and a veil, but this was after Mass and those things were long put away}. Photo in K’s room, yes, it actually is that pink. #Zphotobomb

There. I said it. I have not been super excited for this current pregnancy. I *thought* I would be excited, way back at the very, very, very beginning when I first found out we would be adding another baby, but then…. I don’t know. It seems to be taking longer than normal for the excitement to build up this time.

Maybe it’s because I had a teeny tiny bit of spotting that the doctors and nurses blew up into “worst case scenario” (an ectopic pregnancy)… which it turned out not to be thanks be to God. But those two times I spent at the ER, and the second time especially were so super stressful that I think it really put a damper on things.

It probably also didn’t help that I had friends who lost a baby at birth literally days before I found out I was pregnant.

I didn’t have a horrible time of my normal night-time “morning” sickness (it was there, but it wasn’t terrible). I did feel incredibly exhausted. Like, the go-to-bed-every-night-at-7:00PM kind of exhausted.

I know from past babies that it does take time to get used to the idea of another child. I know that was especially the case with Katherine. It took me all of those nine months to get used to the idea of a baby and I still don’t know how “ready” I was once she was born. Even with Zachary, I had people ask me if I was excited right after we found out, and I was like “Woah. Wait a minute. I just found out we’re having another baby. You gotta give me longer than a day to get used to that… THEN I’ll let you know if I’m excited”. But with him, it didn’t take weeks and weeks and weeks for that excitement to build.

I guess all this lack of excitement has me really not feeling connected to the baby just yet. Even with seeing baby move on the 8-week ultrasound scan (which I’ve never seen before)… And hearing the heart beat with the midwife saying “there’s a baby in there”… They were special moments, yes, but once they were gone so was the connection. Even the fact that all my regular clothes no longer fit hasn’t really made the fact sink in.

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15+ weeks (pretty obvious there’s a bump there!)

I have been feeling little tiny flutterings the last few weeks. Not many, but a few. And that has helped. I also happened to glance through some old photos on the instagram feed and seeing the newborn pictures of Zachary has helped too.

But… through all this, the few times I’ve gotten worked up and stressed out enough to pray about it I get an almost instant little reminder that this precious little soul has already been created by God. Already has a purpose. He (or she) is already loved by God…. even if his mama is taking a little while to catch up. 🙂 God’s big enough to hold him (and me) and love him (and me) and care for him until I find myself ready to take my part.

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Linking up with Fine Linen and Purple for WIWS

P.S. If you’re paying attention and reading closely, I know on Friday I stated I was 16 weeks… but I recounted and realized I arbitrarily added a week… so I’m really somewhere like 15 and a half. Baby’s still due at the end-ish of March, right after Jared’s birthday 🙂

P.P.S. I don’t know if I’m having a boy… it just feels easier to refer to baby as a boy, since… you know that’s what we seem to be good at making 😉

Seven firsts for baby #4 {pregnancy/birth edition}

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As the fourth baby, there’s not many firsts for baby Zachary. I’m pretty determined to make sure I note those few and far between firsts, just so he can have some claims to fame. 🙂

This is regarding my pregnancy with him and my labor/his birth. {Don’t worry, it’s pretty mild, not much gory detail, but it is birth related, so if that’s not your thing… just be warned} It may also have to double as his mini-birth-story because I’m not sure at this point if I’m going to get an actual birth story written up. And everytime I start writing it on paper I feel like it’s something just for me at this point, maybe later I’ll be ready to share it in more detail.

1. He’s the first baby we found out we were expecting while we were in Georgia. Along the same theme, we were also able to tell Jared’s family in person (at least I was, technically Jared was able to tell them about Katherine, but I wasn’t there for it……) And finally we were able to tell him family first out of everyone else (which hasn’t happened… I don’t think).

2. I didn’t go to the hospital even one extra time for baby Z before he was born. No bleeding where I went, no going in early for labor and having to leave, nothing!

3. While I didn’t go for baby Z, I did go in for myself to have a surgery (with no general anesthesia). I’ve never had a surgery while pregnant (before him). Since this wasn’t baby related, maybe I shouldn’t include it, but details, details…

4. He was my first pregnancy where I tested positive for GroupB Strep. Which meant that it was the first time I had antibiotics given during labor…. I was told the first dose would take about 30 minutes. Two hours later it was finally done and I was able to go walking the halls (I hadn’t want to drag the IV pole, which is why I hadn’t gone earlier.) But I was able to use the birth ball and that worked really well for me, so all was good. (Unrelated to GBS, I also told the midwives I wouldn’t be doing an early glucose test just because I had had a previous baby that was over 9lbs. It was the first time I’ve told them “no” #powertothepregnantladies)

5. This was my first natural birth, so it was the first time for all the things that go with that. No drugs, walking around as much as I wanted, getting into the hot tub, pushing while on all fours, being able to feel everything. If I had to describe it in one word: intense. Not necessarily painful (although right there at the end it was, it really was), but just really, really, intense. I felt that I handled it well though. I was at least able to maintain control of myself (although, there may have been some screaming and yelling as he was crowning… I don’t know…). He was the longest labor of my boys about 13 hours start to finish, just about 2-3 hours of more “active” labor and only the last little while was really “hard”. No tearing or stitches or any complications of any kind (yay!).This all happened in our hospital’s alternative birthing center which was really nice.

6. He weighed the most of any of my kids (10lbs even). This isn’t a first I guess, more of a “ranking”… and I suppose it could be subject to change if we were to have any more children. 🙂 I was also told a few weeks later that his head measured 14” (I understand that “average” is around 12″) I don’t remember what the other kids’ were, but I’m going to assume he had the biggest head too!

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7.His birth resulted in my shortest hospital stay. Less than 24 hours. That was mainly due to the fact that he was admitted to NICU (unfortunately he wasn’t able to hold that title of “first” as John also went) and I didn’t want to stay in my room if I couldn’t be near him. But I also think that was only possible because I didn’t have an epidural or anything else during labor. I felt great, considering I had just given birth.

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I’m sure there will be more firsts for him, I know of at least one already, so I’m sure there will be another write up at some point in the future. 🙂

(NICU stay ended with no problems, and he’s been home now doing great since the beginning of November.)

Linking with Kelly for 7QT